I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
