im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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