Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
