Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
