Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
