if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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