Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
