My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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