dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
