No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
