dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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