Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
