when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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