i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
