im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
