I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
