Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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