is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
