You smell like a Billy Joel song
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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