hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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