What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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