Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
