I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
