You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
