Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
