bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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