I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
