Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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