My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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