I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
