Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
