she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
