I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
