I wanna passion pit in your ass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
