Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
