All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
