Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
