There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
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I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize