I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
