Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
