I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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