Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
