so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
