You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
