my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
