i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
