I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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