My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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