why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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