I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
