even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
