Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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