I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
