Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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