her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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