remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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